Happy New Year

We spent the evening at the Animal Hospital Emergency Room. The dog keeps losing ground. By this morning, she could not walk. She was still eating and eliminating...but that was it. We decided it was best to go and get some things ruled out. Even at 105, we did not want to be missing something that might be easy to fix. But we were right. the vet kindly validated our assumptions. He felt that she has a tumor which is compressing her spine, slowly paralyzing her. While waiting for the vet to come in, she actually got herself to a standing position for about 5 seconds...and then collapsed. He told us that she looked great for her age..well-cared for. This made me want to cry. The kids waited in the waiting room, both scared to death to hear the outcome. Little One was a bundle of tears, while The Boy, ever the optomist, continued to list all of the reasons he thought she would be ok ("She's eating. She's pooping. Her nose is cold. She's awake. She's trying to get up"....and on and on and on. ) As The Husband carried her back up to the condo, it dawned on me that we were only hours from the New Year....

It is a very low-key, very different New Year this year. We usually have a celebration with friends, and I hope we get back to that ritual next year. But on this quiet evening at the beach, I am trying to be thankful and hopeful for the coming year. I had hoped it would be a year without the loss of a loved one....but with the dog in her present condition, that doesn't seem possible. I feel tonight the way I have felt several times in the last few years. The way you feel when you know something heartbreaking is coming, but you don't know when. I guess it is all part of the cycle of life, though I am so tired of trying to convince myself of this.

I love to make my resolutions, kind of a personal reassessment. I thought about listing them, but this year's list seems very personal. Kind of like wishes...if you reveal them, they might not come true...

I wish everyone a very Happy New Year. Don't underestimate the value of a few well-thought-out resolutions. Don't set yourself up to fail. Baby steps are the way to go. Or grand generalities like "I want to be a better person" or "I want to be more kind". I find those to be easier to keep and more inspiring. Either way, it is the first day of the rest of your life. A blank slate. A renewal..

So today, as I pack up to go home, I will visualize who I want to be in 2010..

Until next year...