Son, You Outgrew My Lap, But Never My Heart

I'm in big trouble today. I have committed the unforgiveable sin of "entertaining a thought". And here is the story:


The boy wants a cell phone. No, he doesn't just "want" a cell phone, he NEEDS a cell phone. It is a life-line to the coolness that he so desperately desires. At 11 years old, we are at the beginning of that slippery slope called 'pre-teen-ness". Every few months, someone at school obtains something new and cool, and there begins a slow trickle of other kids who also get this new item, and pretty soon, if you don't have this particular item, you are deemed "uncool".


A couple of years ago, it was the x-box. "Everyone" had one, and he really "needed" one. For me, this was an easy one to turn down. I have always insisted that a large part of his free time be spent outside. I had talked to too many moms who told me that as soon as an x-box entered the house, their son never left the house again. We waded through that issue for a few months, and it seemed to fade. The next door neighbor boy had one, and occasionally the boy would go over and play his. This seemed to appease him until...


Last year, it was the ipod. Now my son had never even listened to the radio. This is not to say that he doesn't like music, because he does. But not in any kind of obsessive "I wanna be a musician" kind of way. Just in a "If I get an ipod, my friends will say I'm cool" kind of way.
The big push began when the gym teacher said that they were allowed to bring their ipod when they "ran the mile". Well, for some reason, this was the impetus that many parents needed to buy that ipod. I never did figure out why 2 days of gym class would influence that decision, but after the mile run, 3/4 of the class had an ipod. Well, Christmas-time rolled around, and the husband found a good deal on the ipod. I got kind of excited because I thought that meant I was getting one...but no, the boy and the husband got them. (I was told I could "share" them...) Ok, so he was excited for about 2 weeks. He downloaded about 20 songs...ran through his Christmas money to do it...and then I noticed that slowly he used it less and less. Now he still downloads some songs occasionally, especially before a long car trip...or for those 2 big "mile run" days in gym class, but basically, it lies on his floor most of the time...

The next big push was the laptop. Everyone started getting their own laptop, so he came home and explained how he could be so much more efficient if he had one. You know, he could do his homework better, research important topics, e-mail with his relatives....yeah, he actually said that. What he didn't mention is that the girls in his class were starting to e-mail with the boys, and he wanted to be a part of it. Now look, I understand this and I told him that he was welcome to borrow mine in the afternoon, and as long as he stayed in the den where I could monitor what was being written, he could participate. The look on his face during this discussion was priceless. I knew what he was thinking...but he carefully avoided insulting me. He knew that in the end, this was likely to be his only route, and he was smart enough to allow for that. I explained that a laptop was a very expensive purchase, and that at his school, they actually got their own in seventh grade. Therefore, we wouldn't be buying one for him. I did make the mistake of reminding him that for my 10th birthday, my big present was a clock radio...and I was thrilled to get it. Now unfortunately, this story is the equivalent of my dad's "I walked a mile in the snow to get to school" story, and when I launched into it, his eyes understandably glazed over...

So finally we get to the latest all important, all-encompassing item...the cell phone. He absolutely, positively HAS TO HAVE a cell phone. This is all I have heard for the last 3 months. He began with a budget break-down of how he could accomplish it. Unfortunately, it involved draining his savings account to buy a $300 phone...but no thought given to paying for a plan. Ok, so a month later, he comes back with an amended plan which involved lots of chores and increased allowance. At this point, I got dad involved, because even though I knew I didn't want to cave and do it, I was beginning to feel that motherly ambivalence that comes when he gets a little teary-eyed over something. Well, dad was having none of that. There was no discussion, no throwing around of ideas, no expression of feelings...just a "You're not gettin' any phone". So that was that.

I didn't hear much about it for another month. But then he came to me one day and said that a few girls, one of whom he might kind of "sort of like" had told him he should get a phone. They had even given him their numbers. I looked at his little face. I wanted to cave. You have to understand...I adore him. He's my guy. He tells me to have a good day. He tells me I am "really pretty". He searches me out to say good night. He calls me "Yo sexy mamma". Last night at his baseball game, he hit a home run. He came running out of the dug out and picked me up and gave me a hug. ..I am so acutely aware that these days are almost gone....I wanted to cave...and so I did the unthinkable....I "entertained the thought"...this is what the husband called it. What I actually said was "I'll talk to dad about it". I know...total cop out. Because I don't think he should have one. I believe in making kids pay for things they want. I don't want the fights that will inevitably occur, like "Get off the phone and do your homework" or " put that away and quit texting". I don't want to give up the ability to monitor who he is talking to and when....but when he got out of the car this morning and walked away without smiling or waving, it really broke my heart...

And so today, I will pull up every article I can find that talks about why 11 year olds should not have cell phones. I will remind myself that he is a terrific kid, and part of this is probably because he has not gotten everything he has wanted. I will ignore the morning lecture I got from the husband, who will never understand what it feels like to be "mommy". And I will cry a little, knowing the days of being showered with unconditional love with no strings attached from this little guy can't last forever...

So until next week, when I'll wipe the tears....and move on.