Scientists Have Found the Gene for Shyness Hiding Behind the other Genes...

I read a funny article yesterday about being shy. I was immediately drawn to it because I have been shy my whole life. The author was giving tips about how to deal with it, but in the end, she recommended that you look at everyone before you have to talk to them and think "The hell with you". This is suppose to somehow take the pressure off. I had to laugh when I read that, because even though I don't do that, I understand the underlying thought.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning. As I sat in the car waiting to go in, I wasn't at all nervous about the appointment itself, but I had to motivate myself because I knew I would have to have at least 3 conversations with 3 different people. This is really hard for me. I know that people who are blessed with an extroverted or social personality would never understand this, but the smallest social interactions can take such an effort.

When I got inside and into a room, the nurse walked in and started to talk to me. About 2 minutes into our conversation, she laughed and said "Are you nervous or shy?" "Well, I'm not nervous" I answered. "Then snap out of it. We don't allow that here." I had to laugh, because over the next hour, I understood what she meant. The group of nurses there were sharing things with each other that it would take me 10 years to get around to. I didn't participate in the conversation, but I nodded and smiled a lot, which is what I tend to do in those circumstances.

Then I flashback to being a little girl. Now when I was about 10, I could do 3 things really well. I swam on the swim team...which was perfect for me because I never had to say a word. I loved to paint, which also suited me well because it also didn't require any conversation. But the third thing was more problematic. I sang well. My brother and I played the guitar, and we would spend hours singing every James Taylor and Linda Ronstadt song ever written. (I realize there are some of you saying "Who is Linda Ronstadt?", but if you don't know, you really should look her up and give her a listen) Now I had no problem doing this with my brother in the privacy of our basement, but then there was my dad. Now my dad never met a stranger. He had absolutely no understanding of shyness. Whenever we had company, he would trot my brother and I out and say "Sing Desperado!". It makes me laugh now, but it is one of the most terrifying memories of my childhood. Fast forward a few years, and I was in the high school choir. The second week of classes, my teacher took me aside and said "I have never heard you speak a word. I'm assuming you are shy. But be aware that from time to time, I will call on you to stand up and sing a solo. You will not look down. You will not stand and hide in the back of the room. You will just sing. Sometimes you just don't get the luxury of being shy. Do we understand each other?" I remember staring at him and thinking hard for a minute. I remember he smiled and said "You're asking yourself if you can do it, right?" I nodded. "Good girl" he replied. And that was it. He was true to his word, and every few weeks he would look over and say "Sing". And I would sing. The last day of class, he was saying goodbye to everyone and kind of giving everyone a compliment. I will never forget that when I started to walk out the door, he whispered in my ear, "Shy is just an excuse."

A year later, I started college at 16. I was naive, over-protected...and shy. But then I met my quad leader, Diana. She was a senior in charge of helping us little freshmen find our way. Diana was wild, wise and wonderful. She watched over me the entire year. I knew she sensed that I was out of my element. The first night, I was sitting in my room alone waiting on my roommate to arrive. Diana walked in and smiled. "Listen to me little girl (She called me "little girl' all year even though I towered over her by at least 5 inches). People are going to mistake your shyness for something else. Start talking." And I listened...and I talked....The last day of school that year, my roommate said to me "I still don't know you, but I love you." It was a lesson that I would learn again and again. I had to keep making the effort.

To this day, I still find it hard sometimes to overcome. It takes me a long time to get to know someone. I like to listen, but it will take me some time to talk. When people are very funny or very kind, I am much more likely to respond.

I decided this week that I am going to get off Facebook. What seemed like a easy way for a shy person to socialize now feels like an excuse. I made myself pick up the phone and call one of my good friends yesterday. I had been keeping up with her by checking her "page" from time to time. But it was so good to actually hear her voice and have an interaction. For people who are outgoing, Facebook is a no-brainer. Just another way to keep up with your friends. But for those of us who tend to stay back, I think it is an excuse. And I think my best lessons have been about not making excuses...

So until tomorrow, when I am going to try and speak up a little more...and make excuses a little less...