On Saying What You Mean, and Meaning What You Say...

I was watching one of my favorite shows, 'The Good Wife", the other night, and I was struck by one of the lines. "Complicated relationships are breeding grounds for miscommunication." I repeated this line over and over to myself a few times, and then I pulled out my notebook where I write down things that I want to remember and scribbled it down. I wasn't sure why it felt so relevant to me, but something about it registered.


I think I am an honest person. I consider the truth a necesssity and constantly repeat this to my kids. Few things will upset me more than being lied to. I find myself sometimes sighing in response to something someone says, not really wanting to be honest...but I think that I usually am. The problem is, I am a people-pleaser. I detest that part of my personality. Maybe it stems from being the middle child, but I hate confrontation. It literally makes me sick. But this is a problem when you also value the truth, because sometimes the truth takes a fight.


The Husband is painfully blunt. There is no skirting an issue, no softening the blow...he shoots from the hip and makes the point. This was a trait I valued when I first met him. There is a comfort in always knowing where you stand with someone. But therein lies the complication...if someone is brutally honest...someone else can be brutally hurt. At the end of the day, I suppose honesty overrules tact, if one is forced to choose....but finding the fine line between honest and hurtful can be a tough call.

I hate for people to be hurt. When I was growing up, if I sensed an argument arising in the household, I sprung into action. It was my responsibility to fix anything. My mom was a General of sorts...she never met an opinion she didn't have. This was somehow painful to me sometimes. I felt it was my responsibilty to defend whatever or whomever she was criticizing. It is amazing how much this colored my personality. The Husband would probably label this as my most annoying habit. The necessity to defend whomever or whatever at any given time...even if I don't really believe it. It is a shotgun reaction....


I have a small group of friends with whom I feel comfortable 'letting things fly'. If I try to pinpoint what allows this, I can come up with a few reasons. Time and history are probably the first. I suppose because trust takes time to build....it takes me a minimum of a year or two to begin to feel a comfort level with people. If I reveal something to you...and you hold it and value it....then I can move forward. I don't consider this a right or wrong thing. I think it must be very freeing to be a person who totally opens themselves up to people immediately. It takes a certain self-comfort to be able to do that.


If bluntness is a complication...then it is exacerbated by e-mail or texting. They are such odd forms of communication. You talk with someone without seeing them...without gauging their reaction...without seeing their face or body language. I can be very flippant in an e-mail. I can also be very brave. When you know you can say something without immediate response, it somehow emboldens you. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. And it works both ways, doesn't it? Have you ever read an e-mail and been totally hurt or insulted...only to find out later that it was meant in another way...that you misread the tone? Do you ever go back and read something you wrote and cringe? Maybe that is just a function of being overly self-edited.


The blog is an interesting way of expressing myself. The Husband has pointed out the irony of being a private person, yet giving daily details of my life. But the fact is, when I write, I am talking to myself. I don't see the reader. And most of the readers are strangers to me. I won't have to face them tomorrow or explain myself, unless I want to. For those readers who know me and read it, I guess I figure that the blog is somehow sacred. You know, just because I write about it doesn't mean it is open for discussion....


Complicated relationships are just that....complicated. And if you have children, you are always self-editing and self-monitoring...because your relationships are the models for their relationships. It takes a real effort to say what you mean, AND mean what you say.....


So until tomorrow, when I may read this back and wonder...The beauty of the blog is that there is always the delete button...