On Matters of the Heart...

I love Valentines Day. It has always been one of my favorite days. I don't know why. My mom never even recognized the day. I don't think my dad ever even bought my mom a card one time. But each year, when the pink and red heart day comes around, I am filled with excitement. Even the years when I was alone, ie, without a significant other, I still enjoyed the cards and candy. I always made my own valentines, which was probably more to do with lack of money early on, but later, just out of enjoyment.

My first Valentines Day with The Husband came early. We had only been dating about 2 weeks. I didn't expect anything from him...though I did get him a card. Imagine my joy and surprise when I climbed in my car after work to find a cute little bear with a heart that said 'I love you'. Now there was no card with it, so I guess it could have been from someone else. But knowing The Husband, I knew this was his discreet way of being sweet. Being co-workers, it was important to keep our relationship out of work. The Husband had told me that there was a loop-hole that made our dating "ok"...we actually worked for different companies...but still, we had agreed to keep it quiet. (I also did not know at the time that The Husband still had a 'semi-girlfriend' who probably would not have appreciated him giving me a Valentines gift. This information would cause a short "break" in the following weeks...) Anyway, The Husband has continued to give me wonderful Valentine Days over the years. No matter what he does, it is always thought out and loving.

This year, there is some irony about heart day. Over the last few years, my heart has decided to "break" a bit, both physically and emotionally. A particular abnormality shows itself, and I am forced to go through a series of humiliating tests in order to show my doctor that the complication of the abnormality, "imminent death"...is not , in fact, imminent. However, in my own mind, and denial, I have linked these periods to emotional heartache. I read an article the other day about how doctors have come to acknowledge that a heart can truly "break" due to sadness. I convince myself from time to time that it is the amount of loss I have experienced over the last few years that has cause my heart to complain. This last "episode" I tell myself, could well be due to The Dog passing. Anyway, next week, my doctor will knock me out so that he can go in and take a peek at my broken heart. Just the thought of this makes me feel like fainting...even more than usual. But the upside is that knowing what you are dealing with is always better than not knowing. So I will depend on my brain, and not my heart, to carry me through this little ordeal...

So today, I will look forward to Valentines Day. I had been content to just be at Grandma's house for the Big Day. But The Husband instructed me to pack the big bag that was hidden in his closet...and not look inside. So the day may be even better than I thought....

Until tomorrow...