On De-coding the Family.....

You know those days as a mom when you fall into martyrdom? When nobody seems to do things the way you want them done? Of course, that is the key in itself, the arrogance of thinking that everything has to be done your way. On the other hand, as a mom, you're pretty sure your way is the right way, so you feel entitled to moan about it when it is not done your way.

I have fallen into this line of thinking lately, having been sidelined due to health issues. Strict orders from the doctor not to do certain things has meant a little reassigning of duties in our household, and after a bit of turmoil about this last night, I feel it is my duty to construct a "key" in case someone ever has to step in and take my place. This may seem a bit precipitous, but you never know....and there are things that must be understood in our household.....The following can be considered the "code"....

The BOY:

1) Have you done your homework? This question must be asked in every possible way to extract every possible answer. You must list every subject. You must ask if it is complete. You must ask when it is due. This may take several minutes.
2) Is your bag packed for baseball practice? Again...not as simple as it sounds. You must go through each item...Pants, jersey, cap...and of course, the ever challenging question of is it actually in the bag? or is it spread out over your floor...those little details...
3) Have you made your bed? This is an easy one.."yes" only ever means that the comforter and pillow are actually on the bed.
4) Have you been on your computer? This one is extremely multi-faceted. He will come back with "when?"...."who, me?"...."My friends are on all the time".....you must push on....

Little One:

1)Are you wearing your hearing aids?...This must be very specific..'.yes' can mean they are in the bookbag...or 'yes' can mean "I had them in yesterday"....
2) How did you do on that test?.....This will be met with "What test?"...."I did fine"...and finally, "Are you gonna be mad?"
3) Please put on something nice.....This is the tricky one. You will be confused when she comes down the stairs in baggy gym shorts and dirty t-shirt. Don't be. You will send her back up at a minimum of 4 times. You will finally be happy with the turquoise jeans and the plaid shirt...this is the "compromise" outfit.
4) Don't be confused by the slamming down of the pop tart onto the plate in the morning. The translation is "You are a bad mom because you did not fix chocolate chip pancakes."

The Husband:

1) What is your schedule like?....Ok, if you have asked this over the phone, hold the phone away from your ear...for some reason, this question gets met with a lot of cursing...
2) Could you please take out the trash?.....Ok, if you are asking in person, leave the room. This gets met with a lot of cursing.....oops, did I already say that?
3) Do you have any cash?......Ok, this one is very tricky. If you are on the way to the hospital for tests, he may give you some without asking...otherwise, be prepared for "What did you do with the cash I gave you last week?"...Of course, this will tick you off, so be prepared for the fall out. Better to just hit the bank....
4) Why did you take The BOY to Hooters?....This depends on which Hooters he has attended. The latest response was "everyone there was 65". Don't push it. You both know the truth. He just "likes the fried pickles"....(I never said I wasn't naive)

Addressing Big Sis and The Senior is impossible. These two have had years of practice in the art of avoidance. They are masters. Suffice it to say that "I'm spending the night with Liz" NEVER meant I'm spending the night with Liz.

Now, you the reader might ask what the key is to me? I would answer that this is my blog, and I can write what I want. But the following are a few hints:

Me:

1) Have you fixed dinner yet?.....The answer to this depends on whether or not I want to go out or not....pretty simple...
2) Is that new?...Please...any woman knows that there are many shades to the answer to this question. Out of the bag or box means not new. Out of the car means not new...If I've tried it on, it's not new....
3) Are you mad at me?....................I cannot even get into this one.
4)It is 10:00 at night and I just remembered I have a project to do. Can you help me?....ok, stand back and let me yell for several minutes, and we'll get to work.
5) Would you mind depositing these checks? ..............of course I mind, but I'll do it.

Ok, that's enough for today. You get the picture. I think I'll print this out and save it. If anything ever happens to me...this may be helpful....

So until tomorrow...back to fashion...