The weather seems to match my mood again. Melancholy, with a slight chance of sadness. This is a month of difficult dates (and days?) for me. Grandpa was visiting for the night, and he reminded me that today would have been his 48th wedding anniversary if Grandma was still with us. He had been to his beach place for a few days and had brought back with him some of her belongings; clothes. pictures, hats, etc. As I watched Little One go through them, piling things on herself piece by piece, until she looked like an old bag lady, I had to turn away for fear of crying. Little One is the clone of her Grandma...from her muscular body, to her lovely olive skin, to her fiery personality... little Jewish housewife with a touch of Italian temper; a formidable combination. It's been 3 years, and her presence is still very strong in our household. Though I don't need anything to remind me of her, it's very comforting, especially on a day like today, to thumb through t-shirts and towels, and just for a moment, pretend that she is here with me.
Next month will be the year anniversary of my own mother's death. I spoke to my younger brother last night, who was celebrating his own birthday, and we both commiserated on how much we miss her. Her house still sits semi-empty, moments from his house, a constant reminder of the void in our life. Since both of our parents had to endure difficult illnesses at the end, we decided that we missed them "back in the day" when everyone was healthy...and that has been a long time ago now. The thought of selling that house has been painful, because to me, it is an acknowledgement that they are truly gone, and I am alone in the world without my mom or dad. But as Grandpa reminded me last night, we are all just "passing through", and houses don't hold the memories...I do.
I wished my little brother a happy birthday last night, and he reminded me that he is not so "little" anymore. But in a few weeks, it will be my turn to age another year, so I reminded him that to me , he will forever be "little". The Boy informed me yesterday that he thinks I am aging backwards, a la Benjamin Butttons. After going through some old pictures of me, he said "See, you were not so pretty in these, but you are pretty now." I tried to explain to him about passing styles and how 10 years from now, we will think our current "look" is funny, but he couldn't grasp that concept. "All I know is, you looked weird then and you look good now."...I'll take it.
Little One is more concerned with ages. She finds it strange that dad is younger than mom...as this is not the norm in her class, and Little One is all about "norms" at this age. "At least you don't look older than him". ....Ok, I'll take that too.
So that's it for today. I'll pack up the old clothes and the memories that go with them. Tuck them away someplace safe and bring them out another day. For now, the sun is trying to come out, along my good mood. Until tomorrow, when the forecast is for a better day....
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